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.." A. J. had tampered with the water, inserting a South American vine that turns the gums to mush. (I hear about this vine from an old German prospec- tor who is dying of uremia in Pasto, Columbia. Sup- posed to grow in the Putumayo area. Never located any. Didn't try very hard.... The same citizen tells me about a bug like a big grasshopper known as the Xiucu- til: "Such a powerful aphrodisiac if one flies on you and you can't get a woman right away you will die. I have seen the Indians running around pulling themselves off from the contact with this animal." Unfortunately I never score for a Xiucutil.... ) On opening night of the New York Metropolitan, A. J., protected by bug repellent, released a swarm of Xiucutils. Mrs. Vanderbligh swatting at a Xiucutil: "Oh!... Oh!... OOOOOOOOOOOH!1!" Screams, breaking glass, ripping cloth. A rising crescendo of grunts and squeals and moans and whimpers and gasps.... Reek of semen and cunts and sweat and the musty odor of penetrated rectums,... Diamonds and fur pieces, eve- ning dresses, orchids, suits and underwear litter the floor covered by a writhing, frenzied, heaving mass of naked bodies. A. J. once reserved a table a year in advance Chez Robert where a huge, icy gourmet broods over the greatest cuisine in the world. So baneful and derogatory is his gaze that many a client, under that withering blast, has rolled on the floor and pissed all over himself in convulsive attempts to ingratiate. So A. J. arrives with six Bolivian Indians who chew coca leaves between courses. And when Robert, in all his gourmet majesty, bears down on the table, A. J. looks up and yells: "Hey, Boy! Bring me some ketchup." (Alternative: A. J. whips out a bottle of ketchup and douses the haute cuisine. ) Thirty gourmets stop chewing at once. You could have heard a souffle drop. As for Robert, he lets out a bellow of rage like a wounded elephant, runs to the kitchen and arms himself with a meat cleaver.... The Sommelier snarls hideously, his face turning a strange iridescent purple.... He breaks off a bottle of Brut Cham- pagne... '26.... Pierre, the Head Waiter, snatches up a boning knife. All three chase A. |
